Everyone who knows me, knows that I am a researcher. I take full advantage of the internet in an attempt to gain a healthy balanced approach to life, especially in regards to baby care and parenting. Before my first born arrived, I focused most of my research on the pregnancy itself, natural birth, and breastfeeding as those were my top priorities. As far as baby care, I guessed that there was little that I could prepare for outside of how to change diapers, swaddle, and basic health issues to watch for.
My plan for him was simply to follow my instincts and his cues when it
came to all his needs. How hard could that be? I imagined that we would develop a flow, a pattern that we would just fall into together. Like a dance between two souls, learning and growing together. Sounds lovely and fool-proof, doesn't it? (I thought so too!) Two weeks into our journey together, I began
to learn that my baby was not falling into anything except a vicious cycle of discomfort from my over supply of milk, over tiredness, unrestorative naps, frequent night waking, and on it went.
I could literally write you a book on how he was and what we walked through together, as well as how we "fixed" it. And eventually, via this blog, I will! But for now I am going to work toward the point-the title of this post. Needless to say, I was quickly losing my mind. I was operating on NO sleep, and my baby was not as happy as he could be the way things were going. I was determined to learn and apply as much as I could to try to affect our lives for the best.
A lot of people advised me against doing so much research. They told me that it was never this hard for them. They went with the flow and it worked just fine for their babies. They had never seen a baby stay awake as long as mine would, and then refuse to sleep. They never saw a baby nurse so much and still act hungry. Well, I surmised that I had a one in a million baby that deserved better care than what I could give him going about it '"naturally." So onto the internet I went! And lo and behold, I found out I was not alone! There is board after blog after forum after site that proves that A LOT of parents out there were having the same challenges that we were! I felt relieved and hopeful, at last. And began my gleaning of information ranging from Attachment Parenting to Babywise.
Fast forward to 7.5 months later when we found out we were expecting another precious bundle. Immediately I knew how different my plan would be with her. One of the wonderful nuggets of advice I received was I believe from The Baby Whisperer. She has a motto: Begin in the way in which you intend to go. That really stuck with me when I read it and I decided that with my daughter we would do just that. Phew! What a relief! Things were going to be so much easier with the second one...
Then she was born...And you know what? She, like my son, is an individual! She is human. She changes day to day. She has needs and wants and feelings that cannot be met or validated the same way every time. There is no mold that she can fit into perfectly, and certainly no one book that has all the answers. As you know, I am all for scheduling, planning and optimizing. But not all day, every day, will your baby fall into your schedule. There are several things that will cause a hiccup in your plan and find the rest of the day way off mark.
In my desperate attempt to maintain what little sanity I had left I developed the 80/20 rule:
Stick with the plan for you and your baby 80% of the time. So when she bucks the system, you can feel just fine the 20% of the time that you are doing "whatever it takes" to get through the day or night!
Here is what my notebook paper on the 80/20 Rule looks like:
1. Devise a flexible schedule for you and your baby with the goal being : He gets all the nourishment and all the sleep he personally needs to thrive and be happy! (See my post on Newborn Schedule for an outline of what we were shooting
for each day and notice the section on how our day really looked.)
2. As you encounter problems (for example short naps) decide what remedy(ies) you are comfortable with for example how many times will you replace the pacifier? Will you allow crying, and if so how much?
3. Stick to the schedule and your predetermined remedies at least 80% of the time, leaving you 20% flexibility to just get through to the next day.
The fear of creating habits (namely sleep props and associations) that would ultimately rob my baby of the sleep that she needed to grow and develop optimally would have ruled my life. Being afraid to nurse her back to sleep when "it wasn't time to eat again", offer her a pacifier, or lay her down completely asleep instead of "sleepy but awake" would have driven me mad. Not to mention that never allowing yourself and your baby these natural remedies goes against instinct. However, the 80/20 Rule saved me from the brink of Nutty Mama on a Fast Sled to Crazy Town! In using this rule you can have your schedule, and botch it too!
Be sure and write me with any questions. I would love to help you set up a schedule for your little one and a plan for moving through each day with your precious bundle of joy.
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